Photo courtesy lady bruins volleyball
In this post, Molly Kuzmich, Ph.D. looks at the role parents play in a child’s self-esteem. Molly is a family therapist and a play therapist. This will be a two part post so look for part 2 after the weekend.
A child’s level of self-esteem is one of the greatest tools he or she will possess. Self-esteem built in childhood lasts a lifetime, and attitudes of parents and caregivers have so much to do with this. Encouragement is the primary tool adults have to build a child’s self-esteem.
Self-esteem is not based on what you give your children, or on flattering words. It is based on an attitude of acceptance of who they are, and encouragement for the effort behind their actions.
Healthy self-esteem is fostered by parents who:
- demonstrate a belief in the child’s capabilities,
- give the child opportunities to show those capabilities, and
- allow the child to contribute to and participate in decision-making.
Unhealthy self-esteem occurs when:
- children believe they have to change to be good enough, and
- parents don’t allow children to do things on their own (parents who do, or give, too much).
Praise vs. Encouragement
Praise is a reward for something well-done, or a success, and is based on an external evaluation.
Praise teaches children:
- “I must please others.”
- “My value as a person is based on others’ evaluation of me, and on perfect performance.”
- “If I don’t receive praise, it is the same as criticism.”
What praise looks like:
- Praise uses words that judge or evaluate.
- Examples, “You are such a good kid.” or “Your picture is beautiful.”
Encouragement is a gift, given for effort or even slight improvement.
Encouragement teaches children:
- to appreciate special qualities
- to feel capable
- to feel worthwhile just as they are
- to cooperate rather than compete
- to think for themselves
- to be self-motivated
What encouragement looks like:
- Praise focuses on the child’s effort, and gives the child ownership to evaluate his/her own work.
- “You are so proud of what you have done.”
- “Look at how much you have improved.”
- “You worked really hard on that picture.”
Discouragement is seen as the causal force behind children’s misbehavior and unhealthy self-esteem. It is a reflection of a self-evaluation based on lack of confidence, anticipation of poor performance, and an over-concern with prestige and status.
Forces in the family which stimulate discouragement:
- High standards – when nothing is good enough
- Sibling competition – parents comparing and unintentionally encouraging competition
- Over-ambition – if a child cannot be the best, he or she will give up and be the worst
- Overprotection, and keeping the child dependent
In part 2 we’ll look at tips for engaging and encouraging your child as they grow into self-sustaining people.
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Unhealthy self esteem can also be thinking much too highly of themselves. We live in a town with a major university, and we see the students there frequently have self esteem totally out of line with reality. They think that because they work hard, they should get an A in class, no matter if the work is third rate. They often don’t understand what ‘hard work’ really is, as many people mix the negative idea of ‘overprotection’ in with ‘protecting self esteem’. These young adults are rarely challenged by high school and coming to a university and failing is completely out of their realm of thought. If you don’t try hard and still fail at something until you are 20, the effects can be devastating.
Our daughter is seven, and we work hard at this balancing act. We need to encourage her, but be aware that success outside of the home usually consists of actually doing things well, not simply giving it quality effort. There is no dishonor in doing your flat out level best at something, and still not succeeding. Sports and scholastic completions are excellent ways to learn that. You can and should be proud if you did your best and still finished last, but that doesn’t change the fact you were last.
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“Praise teaches children:
“I must please others.â€
“My value as a person is based on others’ evaluation of me, and on perfect performance.â€
“If I don’t receive praise, it is the same as criticism.†”
The fact is that (as adults) we DO have to please others (employers, customers, spouses… the cop that pulls you over, etc.)
I see nothing at all wrong with me saying “That was very good “yes sir” manners.”
Praise teaches acceptable and appropriate behavior too.
Perhaps in the next post you could include a definition of “self-esteem.”
“Self-esteem” has been abused by the “now, now little Johnny tell teacher what’s bothering you” crowd for way to long.
But hey, I ain’t had no skoolin on such things I could be wrong… but I’m not.
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Praise who they are vs their effort is a great discussion. As a teacher I have found praising effort sets a kid up to want to put in more effort because they make the connection that effort equals success or if not it equals an opportunity to learn from mistakes. These kids can handle failure much better because their self esteem is not at stake. With the “Oh Johnny, you are so smart”, every task will confirm whether Johnny really is smart or not. These kids are less likely to take on a challenge. There is too much to lose.
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We constantly tell our boys that they are perfect the way God created them and we will love them no matter what they do.
Those words have a visual, profound impact on my eight year old every time I utter them.
It gives him the freedom to be himself; to win, to fail, to shine.
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