Editor’s Note: Another article taken from Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic.
Your life and that of your kids can be better if you hold your children accountable for their misdeeds. Many parents want to do this, but hold back out of fear their kids will see them as being mean. Love and Logic® offers the secret to holding kids accountable and actually leaving children liking their parents better. You can ease into this with the “E’s” of Love and Logic.
The art of becoming a Love and Logic parent is to tap into the two ways children learn best. The first is by copying and modeling after their parents. Here we see the first “E” of Love and Logic – example. Kids learn more from what they are shown than what they are told.
The next way we learn is through experience, the second “E” of Love and Logic. Our mistakes become our best teachers. Unfortunately many parents, in the heat of the moment, close their children’s minds to learning through experience by resorting to anger, threats, and lectures. This switches the child’s mind into the “fight or flight” mode of operation.
You can open your child’s mind to learning from experience by using the third “E” of Love and Logic – empathy. This is the secret to causing your youngster to like you better after you have had to discipline. A heavy dose of empathy before holding children accountable will go a long way to helping them learn from their misdeeds. And it will do wonders for your relationships with them.
There are many families who have at one time or another offered rewards for their child earning good grades in school. Lately, there are some school districts getting into this act as well.
What’s your reaction to this: Is it smart to pay kids for good grades?
As a parent and an educator, there aren’t too many things more distressing than hearing a child say, “I can’t go to school. My teacher is so mean!”
We don’t want to see our children in pain, especially when it’s caused by someone we need to trust for their emotional and mental well–being on a daily basis.
So, what can you say or do when your child comes home from school and complains about his or her teacher?
The most important thing to remember is the vast majority of teachers are caring, dedicated, and well trained. Each has his or her own style, and kids need to learn how to adapt. Just as kids benefit from teachers who are very warm and patient, they also can learn from some who are more business-like and demanding. Kids can even gain valuable life lessons from a caring teacher who is a bit cranky and cantankerous.
If your child is having trouble adjusting to his or her teacher, here are some easy–to–learn Love and Logic tips to effectively deal with the situation:
In general, children in America have around 18 years to prepare for living in the real world. During this time, children have a certain number of teaching experiences that will help their preparation. It’s these experiences, although sometimes painful, that will form a memory bank of cause and effect thinking. And it’s these experiences that will help guide their future choices and behaviors.
Since there are a limited number of teaching opportunities, one of the best things you can do for your children while they’re young is let them learn from these teaching experiences with little interference or rescue from you. The great thing about raising children is we get the chance to see them learn from the consequences of their choices as they get older.
Although it is tough to watch our kids struggle or hurt as they face life’s consequences, it’s easier if you remember this idea – while kids are young, the consequences to their poor decisions are relatively inexpensive.
For example, a young child’s poor decision usually only results in them being cold for a short period of time, being hungry for a little while, getting a reduced grade on homework, or something else not life threatening. As the child grows there are more life and death choices – drinking and driving, drugs, sex, etc.
While a child is young, they get the chance to reap the benefit of as many real life learning experiences as they are allowed to experience. When parents over-protect their children, they in essence steal from them.
Parents don’t have much free time. I can see you right now, reading this blog while fielding questions about what’s for dinner, balancing a kid on your lap and trying to have a decent discussion with your spouse all at the same time. Or you’re in between car-pools and trying to explain to your daughter why she can’t wear pants with words on the behind. In any case, you know what I mean.
That’s why we as parents cherish those rare moments when we address our own neglected need for self. But if we’re not careful, we can actually do more harm than good.
Before having children, I didn’t think of myself as self-centered. Then Catherine came along, and Caden followed two years later. Diapers, feedings, sickness, first smiles that had me tripping over myself to find the camera – these things happened whenever, wherever, and completely not at our convenience. It was an adjustment, to say the least. But then they grew older and eventually learned how to eat actual food, get their own snacks out of the pantry and even bathe themselves. Also, two wonderful things called preschool and Grandma happened. And I began to have increasingly more free time.
So for a while I indulged myself. The next five hours are all mine! I can do whatever I want! I can spend three hours browsing the library, then take my borrowed books to Starbucks and read for two more hours after that! And at first it was nice, but then it began to feel empty – like all that hard-earned personal time just stopped at the end of me and hit the floor with a thud. And that’s when I began to realize that it was never meant to be my time.
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