Punishment Or Discipline, The Discussion Continues

Last week there was a good discussion about the difference between punishment versus discipline. A long time reader of Simple Marriage and now Parent To Launch named Laurie summed both these up pretty well in her comment. So well that it is getting a post of its own. Thanks Laurie.

The focus of the two (punishment versus discipline) are different.

Punishment: The focus is the negative consequence. A parent is soliciting a desired behavior by enticing the child to want to avoid the negative result of a poor choice. Punishment is more about the power and will of the punish-er forcing submission of the one being punished. There is a cause and effect but the two may or may not have a natural connection.

Examples:

• I don’t want to stop taking piano lessons because my mom will make me take ballet and I hate that worse.
• If I skip school I will get grounded and I won’t get to go out this weekend.
• If I hit Sally, mom will hit me and that hurts.

Discipline is about preparing your child for their purpose. It’s about learning to make better choices because of the desired positive result not necessarily to avoid a negative one although avoiding a negative consequence plays into it. Discipline is about making choices based on wanting a positive natural consequence or avoiding a natural negative consequence. It is not about power as much as developing the ability to delay gratification for long term benefits.

Examples:

• If I stay up late I won’t preform well on my test and I may lose my scholarship.
• If I hit Sally, she will need time to feel better and I will need to do her chores while she recovers.
• If I skip school I will miss out on the information I need to do well and besides, my mom won’t trust me and will shadow me around school to make sure I’m in class.
• If I stop my piano lessons, mom said I will miss out on something I am naturally gifted for and not develop a gift from God (I actually used this one and now he thanks me and is planning a career in the music industry)

While giving consequences is easier and takes less time and imagination than disciple, discipline has the overarching result that we really want. We want our kids to end up being responsible, caring, contributors to society, respecting the world, others and loving God (at least I do). Discipline is a better way to get there because the end point has been reached through connections that make sense. Why is a boy scout prepared? So he can manage any situation he comes across. If he doesn’t bring warm clothes on a freezing camp out, he is miserable and will prepare better next time. Why is important to tell the truth? So when someone accuses you of wrong doing, your reputation speaks volumes. My oldest son wanted trust without acting in a trustworthy manner. I checked up on him constantly to verify where he was and what is was doing. My younger son is trustworthy and shows it in his choices. He is given more freedom. If he abuses the freedom, he will lose it and he knows it.

When we punish, we end up with formulas that are specific. If I do A then my parent, teacher/ boss will do B and I want to avoid B.It tends to be so specific that transfer into new situations is more difficult. “Mom you didn’t say I couldn’t eat a cookie if it fell on the floor first” With discipline, one can transfer the learning more easily into new situations for the desired result. “The last time I was rude to my friend, she didn’t want to play with me anymore so maybe I should be kind and not bossy to her” I also believe that with punishment the behavior is more attached to person as a part of them (I am bad) and with discipline the behavior is more attached to choices ( I chose poorly).

As parents I believe we spare our children from too many natural consequences. We force a 5th grader to wear a coat when it is 20 degrees, we make them eat breakfast so they won’t be hungry later, we force them to learn their spellings words so they won’t get extra tutoring at school. I say, let them experience these natural consequences while the consequences are manageable. When they get older the consequences can be life altering.

My oldest son is one who learns the hard way. This semester he has decided to not take any classes in college. We are funding an education not a lifestyle. We will not be funding his living expenses this semester. While he is not moving home, he will be figuring out how to feed himself and keep himself warm. If he is sick he will have to figure out how to get medical treatment without insurance. Right now he believes it is “all good”. My hub and I are prepared to watch him suffer the consequences of a poor choice. While we will take out a catastrophic policy on him to protect ourselves, we are not going to rescue him. This child has lots of electronics he can sell to buy peanut butter and jelly. He has furniture he can burn for heat. He will not die if he makes good choices. While it is easier to rescue him, it is not in his best interest. I am prepared for a tough go of it but hey, the result might be a great thing.

So now I step off my soap box with a concluding thought, punishment is easy, discipline is so damn hard. It tends to go again our natural instincts and requires forethought and intention. It requires discipline for us as parents. It is usually the road less traveled but isn’t that supposed to make all the difference?

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