Editor’s Note: An article taken from Foster Cline, M.D., of Love and Logic.
I read parenting book after parenting book these days that emphasize
- understanding your child
- searching for her reasons for misbehavior
- if your children are misbehaving, understand and nurture them
The importance of giving children loving nurturing and understanding cannot be over-emphasized. It’s absolutely important. And love is the most important complement of all lasting relationships.
But giving love and understanding is not the whole story. In fact, when high functioning and loving parents have trouble with their children, it is not often because they haven’t been loving or nurturing enough.
Sometimes it is because the parents in their love have made understanding the reasons for misbehavior synonymous with excusing misbehavior.
Let’s get something straight. There are always reasons for misbehavior and reasons for misbehavior can always be understood. In this world, there is much misbehavior by individuals, groups and nations which should be understood… but not excused!
Let us look at some examples:
If I were to develop a serious brain tumor, I could be disrespectful, antagonistic, or, heaven forbid, even abusive to my wife. A brain tumor is an excellent reason for misbehavior. And when misbehavior is understood, dealing with the underlying cause may be essential. I, with my brain tumor, might be helped by surgery. Perhaps my behavior could be helped with certain medication. At other times, it’s important to deal with the behavior, regardless of cause. For instance, in my present non-compromised thinking, I would never want my wife to put up with abusive behavior regardless of cause. I might need to be farmed out. I might need a lot of home health care delivered by people who would be paid to put up with me.
Likewise, a child not having enough sleep, or feeling misunderstood by his teacher has reasons for treating his mother with snarky lack of compliance. That doesn’t mean she should put up with it or excuse it.
Raising a victim:
“Eric, I’m going to the store.”
“Can I go with you?”
“You were not very nice yesterday in the store.”
“Yeah, but I was tired.”
“Well, are you tired today?”
“No.”
“Are you going to act differently?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, get your coat.”
The child learns, when I’m tired it’s understandable and okay to misbehave.
Someday, down the line, it will be perfectly acceptable for Eric to rationalize screaming at his wife because he had a hard day at work.
Raising a victor:
“Eric, I’m going to the store.”
“Can I go with you?”
“You were not very nice yesterday in the store.”
“Yeah, but I was tired.”
“Are you tired today?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s wonderful! Now your amazing brain can figure out how to get more sleep or how to control yourself if you are tired. Let me know your thoughts. I’m interested in them. See you in a little bit. Bye.”
The child learns, “When I am tired my behavior can become unacceptable. Misbehavior has consequences no matter what the reason. I better figure out how to cope with being tired or making sure I have enough sleep.”
Because human nature is human nature; because there are similarities between groups of people and children; because his parents and leaders are in similar positions and often deal with similar issues, it is hard for me to watch much of the atrocious behavior of the nations being excused and not consequenced because there is a reason for their grievance.
Popularity: 44% [?]
simplemarriage
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Consquences are necessary. Children need to realize they cannot get away with bad behaviour for any reason.
But if you don’t analyze the reason they are misbehaving and change THAT as well, then you will end up consquencing the same behaviour.
As well, at least young children need immediate consquences. Perhaps I’m looking at this from a perspective of a mother of an elementry school child. If I told her tomorrow that she did something wrong today it would make no impact.
Reply
Having experience as a teacher I believe elementary age children are capable of understanding delayed consequences. They sure seem to remember why they should be rewarded a day or two afterward.
I love the example you give here Corey. One of the things I really think is key is that it takes the parent out of the role of being the bad guy and makes the consequence natural. It puts the parent more so in the roll of consultant getting the child to reason out what they should do in the future instead of having non related consequences for their actions. I like consequences instead of punishments. I’m for helping kids to see the relationship between their actions and quality of life and their relationships with others.
Yeah for you Corey! A great post!
Reply
In my opinion the response in “Raising a Victor” is too disrepectful to the child with a hint of passive agression that may cause resentment and potentially future returned disrespect. The phrasing and tone of the sentence “Now your amazing brain can figure out how to get more sleep or how to control yourself if you are tired.” is too cold and isn’t warmed by the follow up “Let me know your thoughts. I’m interested in them.” which sounds almost condescending. In other words, very bluntly, don’t be a bitch to your kids. Before long they won’t pick up on the intended message, just the essence that you are a vindictive parent with an “I’ll show you” attitude. The way you say things is just as important as what you say.
Reply