Photo courtesy F.S.M.
Being a parent is overwhelming at times. Endless schedules, teachable moments, messes to clean up, meals to prepare, laundry to fold, and moments to lose your cool.
Take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Countless parents are in the same boat. And all of us are in this boat due to two things.
First is our own emotional reactivity. And second is the biggest lie many parents live by… more on this in a moment.
First things first, our emotional reactivity is our own worst enemy.
We all live within a system. Your family is a system. And each member feeds off other members within the system. Put another way, have you ever had a time when you were anxious about something and your kid’s behavior escalated because of their feeding off your anxiety? Or your spouse has a bad day and you can sense it as you enter the house, even before you see them?
The simple truth is you probably spend a great deal of time trying to control things you can not possibly control. Your kid’s reactions, their behaviors, their choices, even your spouse. I can’t blame you for trying really. I’ve done it too.
There’s a great deal of pressure with parenting today. We are bombarded with the messages of putting family first. Keeping our children safe. Being saddled with the idea of parents are the ones molding the future of our world.
It’s overwhelming.
So rather than spending a great deal of energy on things you can’t control, spend time working on the things you can. This starts, and probably ends, with you.
Second, there’s a lie many parents live by. It’s this: you are responsible for your child.
Many parents have bought into the idea that it’s our job to get our children to think, believe, feel, and behave like a good person. We are responsible for their life. After all, they are a reflection of ourselves. Right?
Wrong!
Hear me out. They are a member of our family and will act out our family patterns and beliefs, hence the importance of the first point. But ultimately, they are their own separate being.
We are much more responsible TO our children than we are FOR them. Over the course of the coming weeks I’ll expound on this idea, but for now, remember this: our children have been granted the same power of choice as us. And if you think you can program your child to act, think, behave a certain way, you’re fooling yourself.
As parents we do have tremendous influence on our children, but we have more responsibility to them than for them.
And the main responsibility to them? Being consistently cool in the face of ever present change. After all, the only thing you have control over is yourself.
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simplemarriage
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I don’t follow the train of thought here.
Sure, when kids are in their middle teens, its time to be less responsible FOR them and more TO them, but you cannot suggest that younger kids can be afforded this same amount of rein. Kids are supposed to be programed (your word) to act and behave in a certain way; look at any supermarket or mall and tell me you can’t determine which kids have been programmed manners, for instance, and which have not.
Perhaps your next installment will provide me a better understanding, but as of now, after re-reading this piece 3 times, I cannot disagree more.
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@ Charlie- I agree with your point that as kids get older the rein afforded each of them gets looser, but it seems like we’re getting hung up on the word programed. To me, there’s a big difference between programming something and teaching something. Sure, manners and behaviors can and should be taught, but many parents place too much pressure on themselves and their kids, almost to the point of thinking they should program them a certain way.
Hopefully as this unfold more I can be more clear. And please feel free to call me on what you don’t agree with. It can make for a great discussion.
Thanks Charlie.
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For me the idea of not being responsible FOR my kids is a relief. I had this very discussion with my mother in law several years ago. I told her that unless I was hand cuffed to my child 24 hours a day, that I was not responsible FOR him. He needed to be responsible FOR himself and his choices. As a teacher, I see example after example of parents not wanting to hold their child responsible for their own choices. Someone else has to be blamed. I have always thought that this was to divert any consequences imposed onto the child from the school (which works BTW) but after reading this post, I am now wondering how much of that is really an attempt to save face for the parents who feel responsible FOR their children.
As a parent, I give the teachers my cell phone and tell them that if my child isn’t meeting behavioral expectations, to pull her phone out right there and call me. My thought is that if he can misbehave in front of others, the teacher can call me and tell me about it in front of others.
But as a parent of another child who has made some very poor decisions, I find it a relief that I am not responsible FOR his decisions. He decided to do many things I taught against.
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The first thing to remember…
The ONLY reason parents are under so much pressure is that they allow themselves to be manipulated by the PTA, soccer coach, dance instructer, football coach, BETA club and on and on and on.
Unplug and keep your kids home more. They don’t NEED to be involved in every activity there is!
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@Charlie on PA Tpk
Here’s how it makes sense to me.
Let’s say that we agree that we are responsible TO our children, not FOR our children. And let’s further agree that we’re going to limit those responsibilities to our children to protect, provide, and prepare them for life.
What’s the difference between the TO and FOR? Well, being responsible TO my children (or to anyone I’m in a relationship with) is another way of holding myself accountable TO others for MY choices, MY words, MY actions. It’s the way in which I take seriously what it means to be responsible to others for me.
The kids at the supermarket or mall that appear to be well programmed are kids whose parents have consistently been responsible to define limits around unacceptable behavior and then they hold themselves accountable to enforce those limits. The kid gets to choose for him/her self – do I want to change my behavior or accept the consequences?
The younger the age that kids experience the freedom to choose between behavior and consequences, the more freedom and control they ultimately have over their behavior- and that translates into being better prepared for life.
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@MaryAnn
Please do not confuse the conversation with successful logig.
BTW just out of curiosity, what is your background? Surely you have a couple decades of “hands on” experience!
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@Mary Ann, #Corey then perhaps what we’re dealing with here is semantics. Parents who blame all other sources before blaming their child are not, in my mind, acting responsible FOR their child (or TO their child, for matter), but are rather looking to dodge the issue of responsibility entirely.
I still fail to see how my premise is out of sync with yours in any way other than our choice of TO vs. FROM. And as we seem to agree on the overall point, I’ll concede the issue and wait for future posts to perhaps convince me there’s more to this than my misunderstanding.
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I totally agree with you!
I can’t think of a worse disservice we can do to our children than “program” them. I want my children to be independent-thinking innovators in society, not sheeple.
You are right on, Corey. Can’t wait to hear what you’ve got next.
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@mssc54
Ummm . . . what gave me away?
My background – second of four siblings. Fifth oldest of 39 first cousins. Became full-time Mom to a 10 and 9 year old (with visual handicap) at 22. One biological kid (now 35). Married 38 years – more good years than bad years.
Proud grandmother to a 17 and 14 y/o, and now a 6 month old!
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Wow I needed to hear this. Our son is a freshman in HS, and as of this moment, is failing every one of his classes. We have stopped begging, pleading, insisting that he do his schoolwork, and offered help but said it’s now his responsibility. I need him to be responsible enough to live on his own in a few years, and if it takes failing in 9th grade to get him to step up, well, better then than when he’s 30. Hopefully that’s all it will take.
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I guess I’m in the minority, but I totally get this. I’ve been told time and again by both of my kids’ teachers (and BTW, I’m an educator too) that they are the most considerate, polite, hard-working kids in their classes. I feel they’ve become this way because we have modelled considerate, polite behavior at home. My husband and I used “please” and “thank you” with our children from the time we started communicating, so of course they are a product of family “patterns”, so to speak. And your part about reactivity hits home, because we’ve just finished up a round of play therapy to teach me, more than my child, how to respond, not react, to his anxiety issues. Is it hard not to blow up in the face of household disruption? Sure, but I am the grown-up here, and therefore the one responsible for modelling good behavior.
My own experience outside of home that supports your premise–I work in a disciplinary center for adolescents in our district, and see first-hand kids who are repeating parents’ misbehavior. Do as I say, not as I do is a joke; if you do it, then kids naturally assume it’s acceptable behavior. Like it or not, my kids are a mirror of my strengths and my weaknesses, so I’d better grow up and be the person I’d like them to be!!
Sorry for the long post; responsible parenting is a soapbox of mine!
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@ Chris- I am certain you see many cases of kids following in the steps of the bad behavior of their parents. I too have seen it in my classes full of students. Countless times really. But I have also seen parents who do the right thing and set the right examples and their children make choices, for what ever reason, to not follow in their parents footsteps of good behavior. That is the grace given to parents by Corey’s idea of being responsible to and not for our kids. Just a thought. I do agree that most times it is exactly how you say though.
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I totally get this because I’m living this. I don’t know your background because this is my first time visiting your site (simplicity sent me), but as Christians my husband and I raised/are raising our three children with certain morals, beliefs, guidelines, etc. Until my daughter got her first boyfriend at 18, went to college five months after that and started making choices on her own, I didn’t realize we would have the problems we have had. Naive…us and her. Feeling out-of-control. It took being in this place that made me realize the little saying, “But by the Grace of God, there go I” is totally true. You have control over things your children are exposed to, etc, when they are young and in your care. But when they hit the real world and make decisions that throw you for a loop, you have to learn to accept the fact that they are now adults and have to learn themselves. IT HAS BEEN SO HARD! You feel it’s a reflection on your parenting. You feel others are looking at you and judging your parenting because of the decisions your child is making. I had to let that go. Those who know me and my family, know the real us. Those who don’t and want to judge are certainly allowed to judge. I know I will not judge a family by a child’s behavior ever again. Ultimately, I love my daughter, want her to make good choices and live life to the fullest. I also want to protect her from the consequences of stupid decisions she has made. BUT that’s not my responsibility anymore.
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